Five-Year Cancer Update
It's not lost on me that my most recent cancer news comes as we enter Holy Week and Easter. In the garden, Jesus prays, "not my will, but yours."
Keeping that attitude in the front of my mind was very difficult the last few weeks. The weight of knowing that my upcoming cancer screenings would be life changing held me down and crushed into all the cracks in my mind. Either I would continue to be cancer-free and I would be able to close this chapter of my life after the required five years of observation or my results would indicate that I was still sick and my active cancer story would continue.
My mind and my heart know the truth: Jesus has me in the palm of his hand, cancer or no. Yet in the days leading up to my hospital visit, my anxiety was high and I felt like I was performing at work, with my friends, and at church just to keep it all together. It's the way I've kept going for five years. Just keep working. Keep doing. Stay distracted.
Last Wednesday morning, I received the results from the CT scan, the scan that shows whether my lymph nodes are enlarged and full of cancer - or not. At 7:45, minutes before leaving for work, I refreshed the results page once more. I opened the results and reread them to be absolutely sure that what I was reading was true: NED, no evidence of disease. I turned away to walk to the front door and leave for work. But within three steps, deep, uncontrollable sobs pushed through me. I couldn't stop them. For almost two hours, my body released the anger, frustration, and confusion it had held for so long and tried to claim the relief that was there for the taking.
"Are you happy?" well meaning friends asked. The truth is, it's complicated. I feel like I've been carrying a 500 pound weight around for five years and suddenly someone told me I could set it down. Although the weight is mostly gone now, my body is tired from carrying the weight and needs time to readjust to a new normal.
This new normal looks like just doing blood work for the next 5 years for a little extra peace of mind. After meeting with my oncologist, he emphasized that this cancer coming back is extremely rare. But, after those five years are up, I'm completely off the hook.
On the cross, in agony, Jesus cried out to his Father, "Please, don't leave me." Through Jesus' sacrifice on that cross, I'll never have to say those words, no matter how dark life gets. Instead, I get to look forward with hope to that Sunday morning when Jesus conquered sin, death… and every disease.
Whether you've read my updates, prayed alongside me, encouraged me, or loved me - thank you. You've been Jesus to me and I'm grateful for each of you. And, to all my boys out there, get yourself checked. Early prevention is so worth it.